24 December 2008

The Spirit Of Christmas


Just breaking off from my mince pies and mulled wine to bring you this important Christmas message. May Santa, bless his heart, always be with you...

14 December 2008

Festive Fun

It's getting near to the end of term, and it's around this time that the presents start rolling in. Yes, Christmas is the only time of year that it's good to have a class of thirty children; the more the merrier when it comes to pressies!

Sadly, despite hand-picking stories and illustrative maths exercises which show how most teachers simply adore fizzy wines and hand-made Belgian chocolates, the children will insist on crocheting toilet roll covers, gluing empty kitchen roll tubes together to make pencil holders or covering perfectly usable paper in glitter, rendering it of no use to man nor beast.

Oh, who am I kidding... I've got drawers full of tack that I can't bear to throw away. I'm a sentimental softie at heart.

(Um, I don't need to point out that the other side of this is brightly coloured, festive, and does not look like me in any way, shape or form at all in the slightest not even a little bit no it doesn't not listening la la la la la...)

8 November 2008

Saucy!

Oh, I know - it's a cheap shot, but 'the sauce of many arguments' - I'm afraid I cackled to myself like a broody hen. Thank goodness for spellcheakers!

(Yes, thank you four anonymous emailers, the spelling mistake was all part of... oh, never mind...)

6 October 2008

The Joy Of SATs Part II


Kids! When you get a job and the boss asks you to do something tricky, don't forget the easy way to get out of it. Altogether now: 'Havent leant it!!'

I particularly like the vaguely random '1' next to the words 'One has been done for you'. It exudes a quiet desperation.

4 October 2008

X-Rated Hamster Edition


The original: 'At school we kept a pet hamster. unfortunately the haster ecscaped because teatcher lefted the door open from feeding him. luckly he got suck between a rab hole we [...] unfortunnately the haster fell of and hette his his leg luckly it was only a little cunt because he had a big taloty show today.'

Translation: 'At school, we kept a pet hamster. Unfortunately, the hamster escaped because the teacher left the door open after feeding him. Luckily (quite why, I'm not sure) he got stuck in a rabbit hole, (and then obviously climbed on something, again, for unclear reasons). The hamster fell off and hurt his leg. Luckily, it was only a little cut, because he had a big talent show that day.'

Year Five, in case you're wondering. Despair... I has it.

20 September 2008

16 September 2008

The Joy Of SATs

I was more timid at school. If I couldn't do something, I usually imagined it was something to do with me. Part of me admires the sheer volume of self-confidence which goes into writing little messages to the examiner explaining the problems with their questions.

Of course, only a very tiny part of me, as the rest knows full well that little Johnny here spent most of the year removing and replacing the top of his whiteboard pen instead of actually paying any attention to how much the angles of a triangle add up to.


13 September 2008

The Pencil Sharpener Of Terror

This isn't traditional Broken Chalk fare: more of that soon. It's just something I found whilst trawling browsing BoingBoing and, after staring blankly in disbelief, thought it'd be nice to post here.

(Click for larger)

Basically, a ten year old, with that curious logic beloved of ten year olds, has broken his pencil sharpener but decided to keep the blade part in order to sharpen his pencil. Upon being caught sharpening away with this admittedly dangerous bit of kit, he readily admits to it and explains his intent. The teacher, who is presumably insane, decides not to say 'Well, that's rather dangerous actually - think what you could have done to your fingers if it slipped. I think I'll keep this, and I'm sure that we have a proper pencil sharpener somewhere that you could use.' and instead sets off a massively spiralling set of procedures. Principal, police, suspension, permanent record. Oh, and plenty of tears. If you're an educator and you've not upset and permanently tarred an innocent (if rather naïve) child today, you're doing something wrong...

Remember kids: zero tolerance means zero common sense!

Original story here.

31 August 2008

A Miscellany

A couple of peculiar ones here. Nothing particularly noteworthy, but interesting nonetheless. You get a fair few of the 'My best friend is...' ones; bear in mind a friendship can be made or broken by a few scribblings in a secret diary when you're too young to own a mobile phone. Once you reach that age, of course, you can message whatever you want to anyone you like, and become friends with anyone who has opposable thumbs.

The sweeping thing is a little more mysterious. The JFC in the middle, for example, matched no-one's initials in the class, and the spontaneous editing of 'and' to 'but' in the last sentence must be for purely aesthetic reasons. Or something.

30 August 2008

Roboteacher

A quiet period over the holidays, but we're back to school shortly and you can guarantee it won't be long before something inadvertently amusing crops up.

Meanwhile, here's a portrait of me. I'm not sure what to make of it, really...

18 June 2008

Buster: Requiem In Pace


This one's almost heartwarming, assuming your heart isn't simply a chunk of inky-black anthracite like mine. Mind you, I know that this note was merely the nicer part of a pair. Part two is unlikely to see the light of day; since it comprised an unpleasant picture and a death threat I felt it best to pass it on to the head. Shame, really, as some really foul language would have cheered the place up no end. I like the big red heart at the end of this one. Dog love. Ahem...

17 June 2008

The Tribulations Of Tudor Children

Poor Tudor children. Nothing to look forward to but a quick spin around the block on your bike, perhaps nipping down to the skateboard park to hang out with your mates, all followed by an unexpected hanging for not putting your bike away in the shed afterward.

4 June 2008

When Friendships Collapse

Oh dear... poor P. You see, just as we reached the end of the day his mate (the mysterious A) somehow managed to annoy poor, hard done to P. Since they'd been given fifteen minutes of free time, P chose to use it to draw this marvellous epic.

Notice, here, the evil and malevolent A, fully equipped with massive weapon, cruelly sneaking up on the small but sturdy P. I wonder what's going to happen...

Fear not! P has happily vanquished the evil A, who flies into the air, covered in rather artistic zig-zags of blood. The blood took quite a while; I was watching with interest.

It was only upon noticing the back page that I thought perhaps I should intervene. A tad too slow, perhaps, as industrious work had begun to erase its contents forever. Thankfully, it's all still entirely readable, including the little illustrative picture.

A rare find, indeed...

24 May 2008

Love...

Love seems terribly popular nowadays. I got round to thinking that if only we could find some way to harness all this energy we wouldn't need to worry about peak oil any more - we could just pop a couple of those annoying love-struck teenagers you see hanging about at bus stops in white tracksuits into some sort of large crusher to extract the energy from them.

Come to think of it, we could do that anyway, just to tidy the place up a little...

13 May 2008

La Petite Mort

Given the lack of entries for further down the week, we might assume that the poor love-struck girl finally expired from pleasure short moments after recording her eternal adoration for the mysterious Adam. Either that, or it's a long-lost early version of that abysmal 'Seven Days' song by Craig David.

18 April 2008

The Secret Lives Of Teachers

It kind of loses something without the names, but we really can't have everyone knowing about the complex love triangles that exist between perfectly ordinary members of staff. Come to think of it, the note actually featured five members of staff, making it more of a love pentagon than a triangle.

6 March 2008

A Scientific Diagram

"A diagram," I said, "is a scientific picture. It clearly shows what you've done with the equipment you've listed. It might have labels to make it clear what's going on."

Note, if you will, the speech bubble with clearly labelled 'ooh'. Oh, and the expression on my face; I appear to be upset about some aspect of the scientific vignette before me. At least I'm labelled.

18 February 2008

Tactful Ways To Tell Your Friend About Those Personal Odour Problems


I often think, as I stand in the queue at Marks And Spencer, that such forthright comments might be the way to convince the unwashed creature ahead of me in the queue to put back the individual Melton Mowbray pork pies (hand-raised with crisp pastry crust) and replace them with a can of lily-scented deodorant, doing both their waistline and their armpits a favour, not to mention everyone else's nostrils. Then again, it's probably nothing more than a surefire way to acquire a bunch of fives. Individual pork pies it is...

10 February 2008

Where is the heart?

The joy of assessment, as you find out that young Susan has indeed completely failed to grasp any aspect of what you've spent the last half-term explaining to her. And while the majority of the answers on this page are delightfully incorrect, the second answer shows an insightful mastery of elementary biology. Tits. Not boobs, please note; that would be vulgar.

27 January 2008

Punish A Teacher

A crowning masterpiece - how to punish a teacher. Although the teacher in question appears to be male, this was directed at a female colleague and did the entire rounds of the whole staff before falling into my hands. And what a treasure it is:


3 January 2008

Co-ordinates

Check the answers - there's some logic in there somewhere, although any indication of having listened to the first twenty minutes of the lesson is completely missing. How endearing.