6 December 2010

17 September 2010

4 September 2010


Another great guest submission: "Here's another gem from today's creative writing session.  For context purposes, we're reading the book Woof, about a boy called Eric who turns into a dog.  Today's task was to imagine what a day with Eric might be like. Either this boy has made a spelling error, or it'd be like something from a top shelf magazine..."

6 August 2010

3 August 2010

Surreal Spellings: World Famous Composer

The task: show you understand the meaning of your weekly spellings by writing a sentence that correctly uses the word.
The results: Unpredictable.

28 July 2010

Misery Haiku: Sadness

Now children please write
something which makes a complete
mess of haiku form.

20 July 2010


I think I'd have felt ever so bad, too. After all, he was a very nice man.

(We were doing journalistic writing, some time in February. The output improved considerably by the time we finished the module. Phew!)

29 June 2010

Death's Too Good For Them

I must say, I didn't realise the American and African schools were quite so liberal with their uniform requirements.

19 June 2010

Surreal Spellings: Sister Throwing

The task: show you understand the meaning of your weekly spellings by writing a sentence that correctly uses the word.
The results: Unpredictable.

9 June 2010


A guest submission, which "is from one of last year's students, who clearly feels I can't go on without my student teacher or previous class.  Please note my beard/smile."

5 June 2010

It's Educator Adoration Week

Obviously, when I say 'It's educator adoration week', what I mean is that it'll probably take me at least five weeks to post the two items I have.

This is a guest post - thank you for your submission!

The modesty here is astounding, but the sheer gratitude and emotion behind it all makes me long for the days when Shania-La-Tewkesbury Mustard hadn't grown up and had kids of her own with equally daft names and was, therefore, prime material for being shouted at herself. Sorry - bizarre personal moment there...

Um... skip to the end.



3 June 2010

Best Teacher

This isn't actually funny. I just wanted you to know.

What? No... why would I want you to know it's not funny? I wanted you to know I was BEST teacher! Okay?

Well, alright: I wanted to set up the next post, too. Sometimes I get submissions and I just can't wait...

25 May 2010

Hitler Day Part 2: The Arguably More Appropriate Rendition

You may remember Hitler's Giant Ears, all part of some bizarre concoction known as 'Hitler Day', in which the aforementioned ranty F├╝hrer was vilified for his murderous foreign policy through the application of massive, pencil-rendered ears.

I meant to post this part, the flip-side of the page, but somehow forgot. It's quite nice if you see it as political commentary; perhaps, one day, the responsible Chalkette could be appearing next to your breakfast in a reputable broadsheet. Or, more likely, the Little Humplington Free Press, circulation 3, including editor and family...

The duck feet trouble me...

24 May 2010


I have to confess that the second one is an absolutely perfect rendition of me. Old age, and baldness, come to us all. Well, not technically all of us, but quite a lot. Particularly teachers.

The first drawing I'm still wrestling with. I don't think it's me, although I wonder if perhaps it's a metaphor for those shouty days when I am become death, destroyer of worlds.

21 May 2010

Surreal Spellings: The Museum Of Wood

The task: show you understand the meaning of your weekly spellings by writing a sentence that correctly uses the word.
The results: Unpredictable.

15 May 2010

Misery Haiku: Upset

The task: produce a
verse with a precise structure.
The result: sadness.

13 May 2010

Further Prototype Devices Discovered

I'm getting the impression that someone really, really wants mum or dad to splash out on a bit of Apple kit for them. Lo and behold - the iPhone!

I checked - there's actually an old mobile phone in there, completely taped up and with a printed out iPod touch screen on the top. I'd buy the poor kid an iPod if (a) they weren't so expensive and (b) I wasn't the proud possessor of a heart of stone.

The back isn't quite as impressive as on the iPad, and it's a bit more masking tape based rather than the stylish sellotape option. Quite desirable, I'm sure you'd agree.

12 May 2010

Apple's Next-Gen iPad Design Revealed

I found this in the classroom at break. It's not quite the same as the leaked iPhone model, and it would appear Apple have gone for a mainly-held-together-with-sellotape feel. However, as 9to5 Mac noted, there are indeed no screws on the bottom...

The Notepad app seems to have been updated with a simple blue-lined schoolpaper design, and is complemented by a new style home button.

Obviously, wi-fi reception is of great importance, although some may say the new aluminium back feels a little cheaper than the current unibody design.

Looks like the logo has been refreshed, as well. It's challenging designs like these which keep Apple at the forefront of consumer electronics. Let's hope the engineer who lost it doesn't fare too badly!

14 April 2010


Look - I've no idea. We were learning to write 'lede' paragraphs for newspaper articles and this popped up. 'Did you copy and paste that?' I said.
'I think you did. What does promiscuous mean?'

'So you copy and pasted, right?'

'Whur', by the way, seems to be a special word for 'I don't know and don't care'. It's banned in my classroom. Despite this, it finds its way into many a conversation.

6 April 2010

Eat It!

I do believe this is something to do with Weird Al Yankovic. In fact, by allowing a child to copy out these lyrics, I've probably violated the DMCA and Peter Mandelson will be round drooling and banging his head repeatedly against the door whilst a variety of record company executives cheer him on. Take a moment to visit 38 Degrees and help fix the only really broken bit of 'broken Britain'.

31 March 2010

Please Let Her Play

You'd think we tortured them or something, the way these parents clamour to the aid of their poor, endangered offspring.

The crossing out of 'please let her play today' was done by the child before presenting me with the note. I never worked out why.

27 March 2010

Misery Haiku: A Sad, Sad World

"Now children, take a
look around you and try hard
not to cry too much."

"Miss S, I cannot
finish my work without some

22 March 2010


I removed this from a Year Six, who was busy discussing the new arrival who'd been shown round that morning. It would appear he knew her from a previous school, but sadly had to dump (or, indeed, 'dupe') her due to the cruelties of parentally-forced relocation. You can't stop true love!

But wait: turn it over and...

How sweet.

16 March 2010

Another Successful Lesson

I'm tempted to include this in my APP folder, just for the sheer devilment of it. No comma, barely a capital letter, and is that some sort of new extended question mark?


Today's top tip: If you're writing a death threat, why not get someone else to do the writing for you, or at least make the effort to cut out a variety of letters from a discarded Daily Mirror. Oh, and don't sign your name.

Even better, don't get caught doing it.

10 March 2010

Guest Post: Making A Treasure Map

Well, this is a bit of an exciting turn-up for Broken Chalk. Finally, evidence that it's not just me who has the odd peculiarity in class - yes, it's a guest submission!

This is from... well, let's just call her Mrs S (because we wouldn't want to get investigated by the GTC for openly mocking children, would we?), who says 'This is from a Year 3 test on making Treasure Maps. I'm hoping the child meant to write "pencils". Really hoping.'

16 February 2010

You're A Dude!

Ironically, unless that 'Dude Looks Like A Lady' thing was more influential than I first anticipated, this was directed at a female classroom assistant, whom (up to now, at least) has shown no signs of being a dude at all. Well, apart from a small grey moustache, but that happens naturally once you've passed the menopause and the testosterone starts to outnumber the oestrogen. Apparently.

Oh, and what is that bloody 'S' thing they keep drawing everywhere? I'm worried there's some weird religious cult amongst the Key Stage 1 children that's spilling upwards.

6 February 2010

Bedroom Obscenity

The school's email filtering system very kindly sends me any attempts which didn't make it past the system. It's probably a good job this one found its way to me, rather than to its intended recipient, a rather quiet young girl who might well have found the whole thing a little disturbing.

6 January 2010

The Ears Of The Fuhrer

I have this tag I use: 'inexplicable'. Never before has it seemed so appropriate.

Note the correct use of apostrophes, though: we're obviously getting somewhere.

3 January 2010

X-Rated Pencil Case Edition

This is dedication - I had to turn this pencil case outside and flatten it onto the photocopier for this gem. A quick investigation revealed that he'd borrowed the pencil case from his older brother, which kind of explains the lurid graffiti within. 'Perhaps you'd best take it back home,' I suggested kindly. 'And bin it.'