Broken Chalk

Lovesick

2009-11-12T22:09:00.002Z

More 'love'. Sorry. They're like rabbits if you don't keep showing them videos of 'Married... With Children' to scare them off. In all honesty, even that doesn't work - it's pretty idyllic when you compare it to their actual home life.

Guest Post: The Slightly-Psychotic Jonathan Taylor-Thomas Fan Club Diary

2009-10-30T19:48:00.002Z

Is it real or is it made up? Who can say. I forget where I came across
this; it was just a general google image search for diaries some time
ago.

"Dear Diray, I like lots of guys but Jonathan Taylor Thomas is the
cutetest. First of all I don't like J.T.T. cause he's a movie star.
There are lots other guys in my class who like me, and there are lots
of people I wish I coulb kill, but I'm not."

A slightly disturbing initial entry, there. I like to imagine the
writer in an Annie-from-Misery-like state of depression by the time we
get to the 19th of November:

"Dear Diray, Today is not so good. I haven't done much. The only
thing that will cheer me up is to meet Jonathan Taylor Thomas. His
birthday is septenber 8."

Let's see... 1995. By my reckoning, young JTT had finished the voice
of Simba in the Lion King and was on to high profile movie star roles
like Tom Sawyer or that kid out of Ally McBeal. You can unserstand the
endless attraction...

Invariably

2009-10-18T18:31:00.002+01:00

'Surprised at the reference to homework being done 'invariably'. We do it each and every week.'

Splendid stuff...

The Sandwich Of Inappropriacy (Which Will Undoubtedly Leave A Bad Taste In Anyone's Mouth)

2009-10-03T19:54:00.005+01:00

This one's from 2007 and the god-forsaken hunk of mauled cheap white actually had tuna wedged inbetween its dry and curling flaps. She's trying to spell 'tuna' with a 'ch' sound at the start, and with that in mind you might well be heartened to know that we finally had her dyslexia properly diagnosed only a few years later. Unless you work in education, you may well be surprised how long it takes for some of these kids to get the help they need, despite the best efforts of their educators.

Apologies; I've accidentally gone all serious. Let's all giggle at the word 'cuntas' instead. Giggle.

The Agony Of Young Love

2009-09-12T18:12:00.004+01:00

I always feel that, in these situations, honesty is rarely the best policy. Essentially, this says 'I know that you don't like me but I've decided to stalk you for eternity.' Or perhaps that's just my paranoia coming through.

Get It Ficks!

2009-08-03T22:57:00.003+01:00

A short introduction to the complexities of owning a bike, skilfully
explained in a language almost but not entirely unlike English.

For light relief, I enjoy musing on what went through the mind of the person who's inexplicably ticked each of these bizarre statements.

It's a bone club, really it is!

2009-07-25T20:06:00.008+01:00

You know that bit in The BFGwhere Roald Dahldescribes those nasty flesh eating giants? You know how they tend to be surrounded by lots of old human bones, and one or two of them are actually armed with the odd leftover femur? Well, this is what happens when you try to draw such a scene without any forward planning.

The Cerne Abbas Giant would be quite jealous, I do believe.

Your Genial Host

2009-07-22T15:23:00.002+01:00

Yes, this is me. It's quite accurate, actually, down to the mysterious
owl-like feather patterns on my torso, and the crowfoot-like spiky
hands. And if that's the sun up in the top-left, I'm not sure what's
going on in the top-right. Notice, too, that I'm smiling. See - I am
clearly perceived to be nice really. At times.

Naughty Girl!

2009-07-13T20:29:00.001+01:00

Cheesy Penguin

2009-07-10T21:47:00.001+01:00

The Splatterings Of Love

2009-06-28T21:36:00.004+01:00

Alfred Noyes will undoubtedly be spinning in his grave at this, apparently x-rated, continuation of The Highwayman.

The Love Affair Continues: H is back in the good books

2009-06-27T20:04:00.003+01:00

Noooo - The Horror!

2009-06-20T19:17:00.003+01:00

Rest assured, the sudden appearance of a rogue harmonica in the class was dealt with swiftly and in a manner even the GTC couldn't fail to endorse. I also have a long and involved joke where a girl swallows a harmonica and we all call her Wheezy Anna for the rest of her miserable life, but I forget the punchline, which has something to do with a traditional song. Ah, well...

A Likely Excuse...

2009-06-08T18:52:00.002+01:00

Tea And Cacks

2009-06-01T22:26:00.002+01:00

Goalkeeping Ninja

2009-05-30T18:40:00.002+01:00

Assignment: pictures on the theme of sharing. Result: 'It's nice to share your football with a ninja'. Hmm.

More Love: It's The Season For It

2009-05-30T14:40:00.003+01:00

There must be something in the water. If there isn't, I think I'm going to suggest some sort of compulsory anaphrodisiac; perhaps bromide or potassium nitrate. Either that or we could just have 'em all castrated - it works with pigs.

A Letter Of Apology

2009-05-26T23:08:00.002+01:00

Point well and truly missed, I feel...

A Love Affair (Part 5 of 5: The Evitable Backlash; a sad conclusion)

2009-05-23T18:25:00.006+01:00

A Love Affair (Part 4 of 5: A Hastily Re-thought Uncertainty Causes Consternation)

2009-05-22T20:32:00.003+01:00

A Love Affair (Part 3 of 5: The Quickening, Stirred By H's Favourable Response)

2009-05-18T18:47:00.003+01:00

A Love Affair (Part 2 of 5: The Mysterious H Responds In Kind)

2009-05-17T18:36:00.002+01:00

A Love Affair (Part 1 of 5: A Declaration To The Mysterious H)

2009-05-16T20:38:00.007+01:00

I'm often alarmed by the sheer quantities of notes I receive* that contain impassioned outpourings of love, as I'm entirely unable to reconcile it with their behaviour in the classroom or at break time. I look round, expecting to see an almost Donovan-esque quality to their dealings with each other, and instead there they are forming two unevenly-matched sides and thrusting great handfuls of freshly-cut grass down their opponents lovely red sweatshirts.

But enough gentle reminiscing: these next five notes form an amusing (but ultimately tragic) tale of a cautionary nature. (Not necessarily a bad thing: perhaps it'll help cut teenage pregnancy in the local bus shelters.)

* remove

Monkey Girl Pig

2009-05-14T18:41:00.001+01:00

A Quandary

2009-05-08T23:44:00.005+01:00

A note for younger readers: this uncertainty will not pass with age. (That could be today's top tip - it may be slightly tainted with middle-aged bitterness, but in a wholesome, fun sort of way.)